2.26.2005
sabaku no ai
Warning: Spoiler Alert
If you haven't read the latest chapter of Naruto(chap 249), then...don't read this. because this entry completely rips-off a set of text from there.(translated, from UDanStraight).
"Hate, sadness, and even happiness...
To be able to share it with another person...
Uzumaki Naruto.
By fighting with him, I learned that...
he knew pain like I did.
And then, he taught me that you can change the path that you live.
I wish someday, I would be needed by someone.
Not as a scary weapon...
but as the sand's Kazekage."
~Gaara
Yes, you know the first thing that I would say(probably...XD).
"Did Kishimoto-san just dropped a clue that Naruto would turn yaoi anytime soon...(GaaraNaru at that.XD)?"
*cough* anyway, kidding aside....
I'm glad of Gaara's...um, character change. I think it's time the boy finally...learned how to really love. And to really live.(and yes...no kidding...but...I felt utterly sympathetic for the boy. If akatsuki uses him as a weapon to get the kyuubi...my heart would break along with his.)
But that's not the point of this entry though.
This is:
I feel the same way as him.
I wish that...people would see me as me.
And that...I would be needed by someone.
Not because of what I have, of what I can do, of what I can give...
but because...I'm me.
Reported @ 6:21 PM
2.23.2005
chasing dreams and getting lost on the way
Everyone has their own dreams.
When I was a child...I dreamt about a lot of things.
But then, I grew up.
And then...I forgot all about the dreams that I had.
Almost.
And I...just got lost on the way to fulfilling them, I guess.
Some of them, anyway.
And...I can't seem to find my way back again.
Funny how life can be misleading at times.
And then, when you want to go back and change everything...
You can't.
Because in life...there is no turning back.
Maybe...I should have just went along with the rest of the world.
And maybe...I wouldn't be where I am now.
Stuck in the middle of nowhere.
Maybe...
Maybe I shouldn't have dreamed about anything at all.
At least that way...
I could have avoided watching the world crush all my hopes away.
And maybe...I wouldn't be crying about lost dreams right now.
---
Duvet
OST Serial Experiments Lain
And you don't seem to understand
A shame you seemed an honest man
And all the fears you hold so dear
Will turn to whisper in your ear
And you know what they say might hurt you
And you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
I am falling, I am fading
I have lost it all
And you don't seem the lying kind
A shame then I can read your mind
And all the things that I read there
Candle lit smile that we both share
And you know I don't mean to hurt you
But you know that it means so much
And you don't even feel a thing
I am falling, I am fading, I am drowning
Help me to breathe
I am hurting, I have lost it all
I am losing
Help me to breathe
Reported @ 3:50 PM
2.20.2005
nothing at all
Alone, I walk home.
As always.
And there you were.
Basking
In all the gloriousness that was you.
And I threw you the obvious
and you flew with it on your back
your name in your recollection
down among a million say...
I sighed.
You will never look my way.
Never look at me.
Never see me.
Never.
And difficult not to feel a little bit
disappointed
and passed over
when I've look right through
to see you naked
but oblivious
and you don't see me
Living in world oblivious to my existence
Is not living at all.
But...I'll stand here and wait.
For a chance to make myself known somehow.
Maybe, just maybe, you'll notice me.
Well I threw you the obvious
just to see if there's more behind
the eyes of a fallen angel
eyes of a tragedy
But nothing will ever change the way...
I'm here. But not here.
Not here.
Never will be here.
Here I am expecting just a little bit
too much from the wounded
but I see,
see through it all,
see through,
and see you.
Please look back.
Can't you see...
I'm standing right behind.
'cause I threw you the obvious
do you see what occurs behind the
eyes of a fallen angel
eyes of a tragedy
This will be my last sigh.
As if you care.
well, oh well...
apparently nothing.
apparently nothing at all.
you don't
you don't
you don't see me
you don't
you don't
you don't see me
you don't
you don't
you don't see me
you don't
you don't
you don't see me at all
---
Disclaimer: 3 Libras is a song by A Perfect Cirle
A songfic on how I feel.
Here. But not here at all.
Reported @ 5:33 PM
2.14.2005
ranting is good for the soul
The only chance I get to post here again...and it's going to be a rant.
Well. My day started out ok. A mystery guy send a bunch of guys to serenade me. I went, "WTF was that about??? *sweatdrop*" right after they went away. No, I have no intention of trying to find out who he is, I've got a lot of things to do right now, not counting the task of hunting him down.XD yeah, it was nice, but kind of awkward as well, because it made me feel somehow important yet at the same time, it was quite embarrassing. I mean...it happened during class time, and well, my block never let me live it down. (so stop teasing me about it already!!! Sheesh. They just sang a love song, get over it.XD)
And then, Theology. What better way to start a day than to absolutely block out mentally in the middle of a quiz. Go me. I guess I read too much naruto x gaara fanfics for the past days that all I can think about while answering the quiz was, "Naruto glomping Gaara~! Whee~!".XD I swear, if I didn't have at least an ounce of self-control, I would have written this down on the paper: "The Divinity of Jesus Christ, and Him being both human and divine is something incomprehensible, unexplainable, for a normal human being like myself. I believe it is part of the mystery of God, and the mystery of Jesus' persona, and thus, leads me to the conclusion that I will never be able to expound on the topic. After all, you cannot explain something you do not know." Shame on me. I'd probably be send to hell if ever I wrote that. But then...I am already in hell. The only difference is the temperature. And I think some demons are actually friendlier than their human counterparts.
And so you say..."What got stuck up your ass today, to put you in such a bad mood?"
And then I'll answer, "The entire damn world."
So yeah. I feel like Atlas carrying the entire world on his shoulders. Except the entire world is stuck up my ass. No, I'm not trying to make you laugh, so stop laughing. Sick analogy I know, but then, I have a sick mind.
I don't know. I think I've just had enough of the entire damn human population.
And to think it's Valentine's Day.
Cheers for all the lovers out there.
(someone give me a gun so I can shoot them all down. Out with love, I say.XD)
(and so now, you arrive to the conclusion that I am just a cynic who happens to be single...and would probably be for the rest of eternity. Yeah. Bitter bitch me.)
Okay, moving on to other things. I'm going to talk about Naruto right now, so if you're not in the mood to hear...fan girlish comments and such, then, feel free to hit that "x" button on the browser right now.(you probably have had enough of me ranting before you reached the middle of this entry...but then again, you wouldn't be reading this comment now if you did closed the window.)
On Uchiha Sasuke
The next time I hear another girl squeal out his name and how wonderful his character is, I swear I'm going to turn kyuubi on her and tear her apart with my claws. No, don't get me wrong. I do like Sasuke. It's just that...girls attracted to how "wonderful" his character is? Oh come one. The guy has all the depth of a spoon. I for one, admit that I do like him partially because of his bishounen looks, and because, I would really like to see how his character would turn out. But really...saying Sasuke's character has depth is like saying that a bathtub is deeper than the Marianas Trench. I mean, the guy started out brooding and bitching about getting stronger and killing his brother at the start of the series, and stayed like that for the first half of the manga(well, I don't know what had become of him at present. so technically, he might have changed when he surfaces in the manga in the future). And just when you thought he was going to change, he always reverts back to his old self. Quite pathetic, if you ask me. Although I think there is still some hope for him, considering the ending of the fight he had with Naruto. Too bad he had to turn out like that though...no depth at all...considering he sort of reminded me of my bitter, angst-ridden side. But at least I try to not sulk all the time.(really now?XD)
On Subaku no Gaara
I don't know what's with Gaara that...fascinates me so, to the point of wanting to scream my lungs out at how frustrating it is that he isn't real. Maybe it's his I'm-a-demon-vessel-lunatic-who-will-kill-you-without-reason attitude, and the irony of it, considering he's still just a boy behind that cold, calculating and murderous exterior. A boy needing, wanting, to be loved and to love...having not experiencing that feeling all his life. The ai tattoo on his forehead is the ultimate oxymoron. Here is a child, with the kanji for love tattoed on his forehead, who values only himself and would gladly kill just to satisfy his, and his inner demon's, thirst for blood...when he do not really know, nor is he able to comprehend, the weight of the true meaning of the symbol he had tattoed on himself with blood and sand. Yes, call me insane. But I simply find myself drawn to him more and more, with less and less explainable reasons, as time goes. Maybe it's the coldness of his turquoise eyes. Or the crimson of his hair. Or the ai on his forehead. I can't seem to find any reason to not like him at all. All I know is that I do, and if I only can, I would gladly love him like no one ever did.(and no, it's not something green, you pervert.XD) And then...he had changed(thanks to Naruto-kun! =^o^=), and I found myself feeling more emphatic towards the boy(who is now 15 by the way. They grow way too fast, these manga characters, I tell you.XD)
I am really glad for him. He had been living in the darkness for so long, it's about time somebody saved him and brought him into the light.
Recent developments in the manga, however, seem to hint that Gaara would be in danger(and the Akatsuki would be the ones responsible, no less). I just hope that whatever is the Akatsuki's plan, it wouldn't involved Gaara being forced to do what he do not wish to do(or be threatened. I don't know. I certainly hope he wouldn't be brainwashed...nor be forced to sleep and lose himself to shukaku, in order to be used as a weapon, again, or be used to retrieve the Kyuubi holder, i.e. Naruto.), and in the process regress back to his old self. Why?
Because it would simply break my heart.
***
OMG, that was long.
And I did sound like a total bitch, and a Gaara obsessed fan girl.XD
Although I feel much better now. Thanks for even trying to read and finish this entry, and for bearing with my seem-to-be-always-fluctuating hormones.XD
Naruto talk again...maybe tomorrow! I mean...I haven't even talked about Naruto and Kakashi yet.XD (better not read it next time...:p I'm betting you guys had heard,er, read, enough Naruto gibberish to last you for a week.)
Reported @ 4:00 PM
2.07.2005
Flight of Innocence
It happened while I was sleeping.
Mama came to my room and woke me up. She was shaking. I asked her what's wrong. She said,
"They're here."
"Who are they, mama?" I asked. I got up, and walked towards her. "Mama...?"
"The Ones Who Cannot Be Spoken of."
"The ones who..." I repeated, but mama interrupted me with a "shh."
And then, she took hold of me, brought me closer to her and kissed my forehead. It tickled me a bit, and I laughed. Mama smelled of lilies. I like it when mama kisses me.
And then...I saw...I felt...something falling from mama's cheeks.
I reached out my hand to touch them. Tears.
"Mama...why are you crying?"
She let go of me for a moment. "I..." And then, she reached up her hand to wipe the tears away. "Don't worry about it." And then she smiled.
I smiled when I saw her smile. Mama wasn't crying anymore.
"Come, we must leave now."
She stood up, carried me, and walked towards the wall where my closet and toy chest were. Mama groped the wall for some time, until she had found what it was she was looking for. Then, the mirror at the other side of the room, the mirror that scared me always but Mama assured was nothing to be scared of, opened. And there was a room behind it.
"Mama...the mirror..." I pointed out.
Mama never said a thing when we entered the room. And then mama pushed something in the wall, and the mirror door closed. It was very dark.
I tightened my grip on mama. I was scared. Very scared. I don't like the dark, because I know monsters come out of their hiding places when it's dark.
Mama began to walk.
"Mama...I'm scared. Are there monsters in here too? Like the one at my window every night...?"
Mama let out a small laugh. But it was a nervous laugh. "I told you there are no mosters outside your window."
"But there is." I insisted. "And it knows my name. Lucienne...Lucienne...it will call. And I will cry, and you would always come to my room and make the monster go away somehow."
Mama stopped walking. She was...shaking badly now.
As if she was...afraid. I've never seen mama like this before.
"The monster..." she began "You said it knew your name?"
"Yes, mama."
She never said anything again. It was very silent in the room.
But then...we heard foot steps. Coming nearer and nearer. Mama began to hold me tightly even more.
"I won't let them have you. I cannot let you become what they are. I cannot let you live the life of darkness..."
Tears began to fall from mama's eyes again.
"But it seems...I cannot do anything to keep you safe anymore. Forgive me."
Mama pulled me closer.
"Forgive me..."
Mama rested her head in my hair, then gently kissed my forehead.
"I love you, Lucienne. Do not forget..." She then took off her necklace, a silver thread with a cross, which I used to always play around with whenever she was carrying me...like the way she was holding me now. Mama then took my hand, and gave me the neclace. "Your last salvation. A sign of my love..."
I put my arms around her neck and rested my head in between Mama's shoulders and neck. "I love you too, mama. Please don't cry anymore."
Mama hold me like that for a moment, and I rested my head in her shoulders for a while, before I looked up.
And that's when I saw them.
The Ones Who Cannot Be Spoken Of.
"It is time for the boy to become one of us. You have taken good care of him."
Mama brought me down.
"Run, Lucienne." She whispered. "Pray that they will never catch you. But if they do...pray that they will never have your soul."
"But mama..." I was beginning to cry.
"Run!!!" Mama said finally. Her voice was filled with urgency, with love ...with fear, that I began to run as she told me to.
"Get the boy!" I heard one of them shouted.
"Mama...Mama...Mama..." I was crying. I didn't know where to go, what else to do anymore. I want my mama...I just want to be with my mama...
I looked back at mama...wondering if she was ok.
But...she was not.
Blood. Mama's blood.
Everywhere.
Mama's blood...stained the lips of Those Who Cannot be Spoken Of.
I cried then.
Because I knew that the monsters had taken Mama away and I would never see her again. And that I would be next.
So I ran. And prayed. Like what mama told me to do.
But the monsters caught me.
And one of Them began to speak. A man I have seen before.
"Lucienne...there is no use trying to run away."
That voice...it was...
"It is time, my boy. Surrender to your fate."
He brushed my tears away.
And bared his white fangs.
Sank them unto my neck
Pain followed.
"Mama..." I choked out, crying.
"Mama...save me..."
I held unto the necklace Mama had given me, held it tighter as I felt myself feeling tired and dreamy.
Before I closed my eyes...I saw a light...it flickered for a moment...
And then it was gone.
Darkness prevailed.
---
Note: written just now, due to boredom. I'm thinking of turning it into a fic, or leaving it just as a one-shot.
Reported @ 2:54 PM
2.04.2005
just because I'm bored
a survey. from friendster.
1. You're mostly known as?
- raven, rayne
2. What did u last do before filling this out?
- read online comics
3. Are you taken/single?
- single
4. Do you love your significant other?
- refer to answer to question no.3 so as to know the answer to question no.4
5.People who are always there when you're bored
- my multitude of imaginary friends
6. What are you listening to?
- blessed silence
7. Tell me any part of the lyrics from what you're listening to?
- ...
8. Who is your last ex?
- refer to answer to question no.3 so as to find out the answer to question no.8
9. How is your relationship with your last ex?
- refer to answer to question no.3 so as to find out the answer to question no.9
(I hate repeating myself)
10. Do you hate him/her?
- I don't know him and her
11. Prefer black or white?
- black
12. What kind of music do you love?
- it depends on my mood. I have a very diverse taste in music. as long as it's not rap, it's fine with me.
14. Chad Michael Murray or Aaron Carter?
- Chad Michael Murray
15. What are you thinking of right now?
- online comics. grades. screwing up a f***ing exam just bec. I forgot to label certain diagrams
16. Most people think that you are?
- not here
17. How do you release anger?
- answering senseless things like this
18. The cutest teacher in your school?
- I don't hit on teachers
19. The cutest female teacher in your school?
- refer to the answer to question no.18
20. You used to have a HUGE crush on?
- a certain deceased comic book character
21. Do you want to get married?
- the question, really, is "Does anyone want to be married to me?"
22. Do you often receive letters by post?
- no
23. Unforgettable letters that you ever received?
- a card. way back when I was about 10 years old. the letters stopped coming since then.
24. Did anyone give you love letter before?
- back in grade 2, yeah
25. On your last birthday, anyone gave you ball?
- no one
26. On ur last birthday, anyone gave you good things?
- yes. and I've already thanked them for it
28. Do you know what you're thinking about?
- do you know what you're asking about?
29. One thing that you hate about yourself?
- settling for mediocrity
30. Who's your crush?
- a certain fictional character
31. Who's your bestfriend?
- go look for them in my friends list
32. Who are you with right now?
- no one
33. Who's your favorite basketball player?
- Rukawa Kaede
34. Who's your first love?
- a certain classmate back in kindergarten
35. What is your current favorite song?
- Harumonia by Rhythem
36. If you would be trapped in a desert who are the top 5 people you wish you were with?
- those on my friends list
37. What's your favorite book?
- Vampire Chronicles, Coraline, Stardust, Peter Pan, Harry Potter series
38. Favorite mall?
- glorietta and SM
39. Favorite band?
- non jrock: The Goo Goo Dolls, jrock: a lot
40. Who are your craziest friends?
- I don't know anyone who's crazier than me. except perhaps for soul_reaver
41. Who's your mortal enemy?
- I don't hate anyone right now
42. Are you readily pissed?
- please rephrase your question. if you're asking if I get mad easily...I do. sometimes.
43. Do you have vices?
- surfing the web until the wee hours of the night. procrastination. cussing.
44. Where was the last place you have been?
- downstairs
45. With who?
- my shadow
46. The last person you texted
- my classmate
47. The last person you talked to personally
- my classmate
48. cell phone?
- model? make a guess
49. Last food you ate?
- porkchop and rice
50. Last drink?
- water
51. last t.v. show you watched?
- sadly, I don't get to watch TV anymore
52. Last thing you've read?
- question no.52
53. Last chat mate?
- I don't chat with anyone
54. Last person you got pissed at?
- myself
55. Last person you've hugged?
- no one
56. Last person you've cried for?
- the protagonist in a manga I have been reading
57. Last person you laughed at?
- my blockmate
Reported @ 6:01 PM
random thoughts
I've been thinking about it lately.
Grace, Dio...
...should we proceed with the plan?
To make an online comic...?
I have some ideas. But most are still "rough". I've written some stories...but most of them ended with Chapter 5. I can't seem to find a way on how to make them longer.
And right now...I have no motivation.
My muse have deserted me...and now I seem to have this writer's block that I suppose will never pass.
(as if I have written quite a lot of things.XD)
Dio can be the main artist. We'll do it in black and white...until I have the time to study how to color using photoshop or any other software.(I prefer it to be in black and white though. For me...it's more...intense, in a way. I can't explain it.) I can write the stories, and Grace can be my editor/consultant/co-writer.
Sigh.
I have so many ideas I want to write about but I can't find the proper words to express them.
So much for plans.
Where is my muse when you need him?
(for those who do not know about "him"...my muse I mean, he's name is Given. And yes, only I can see him and talk to him. Think of him as a figmentt of my imagination. Only, for me, he exists. Yes...he's another one of my imaginary friends...which seem to be slightly increasing in number lately.)
Reported @ 5:18 PM
2.02.2005
changing hearts, changing minds
...which is just basically about me changing the layout.
Well...if you read Naruto or watch the anime...you'll get what I mean.
It's about...Uchiha Sasuke and Naruto's...um, "relationship".
Anyway. About the layout.
Yeah...the banner didn't turn out quite well...considering I just cropped several pictures and sort of put them together, "panoramic style".
The truth is...it came out that way because I was just too lazy to extract the pics and turn them into transparent PNGs so I can make a "seamless" banner.
Can you see the lines dividing the different pictures of Naruto and Sasuke?
It shouldn't be there...if I did what I was supposed to do. Last minute solution.
I'm just beginning to get the hang of this...I mean, doing my own templates. And making use of PhotoShop.
The pictures I used are actually beautiful fan arts...from a website called Omega Plus, and they feature Uchiha Sasuke and Uzumaki Naruto(my 2nd favorite yaoi pairing from the manga and anime. Second to Naruto x Gaara) They were in color...I just edited them to look like what they do right now. Go check the site out, if you're a Naruto fan, or if you're interested at seeing good art. I put the link on the "links" section, as well as in the credits.
A whole entry discussing a layout.
And I'm not quite sure if it looks good or not.
Next time, I'll write more meaningful thoughts.
I'll end this now before I start raving about Naruto.
And I'm telling you, I probably won't stop when I begin to do so.
Reported @ 6:20 PM
